My manager looked at me and said: “Can you smile more? People think you’re aloof.”

I was 20-something, working in PR, trying to make a good impression. And instead of talking about my work, my manager was critiquing my face. I nearly replied “Britain needs Loofs”, but something told me she wouldn’t get the joke.

That wasn’t the only gem from that meeting. Apparently, my nose ring had made it onto the board agenda, and needed to be removed.

That meeting wasn’t feedback. It was judgement, poorly disguised as professional development. And it stuck. I’ve carried it around for years, which is why I care so much about how we give and receive feedback.

How to give feedback without crushing someone’s soul

If you’re in a leadership role, please don’t wing it. Here’s what great feedback looks like:

1. Be timely. Don’t save everything for the annual review. Tackle issues as they arise.

2. Be private and specific. Never in the open-plan office. Always with examples, not vague criticism.

3. Focus on actions, not character. Say “You missed the deadline,” not “You’re unreliable.”

4. Coach, don’t criticise. Ask: “What support would help you next time?”

5. Balance the feedback. Acknowledge what’s going well too.

6. Be actionable. Give them goals. Define what success looks like.

7. Follow up. Feedback is the start of a conversation, not the end.

How to receive feedback (even when it stings)

Feedback isn’t always easy to hear, especially when it’s unexpected or poorly delivered. Here’s how to take it like a boss:

1. Separate identity from performance. You are not defined by your last mistake. Feedback is about what you did, not who you are.

2. Stay curious, not defensive. Ask questions. Get examples. If it doesn’t sit right, it’s OK to say “Can you help me understand?”

3. Reflect and respond. You don’t need to react in the moment. Take a breath. Ask for a follow-up meeting to discuss again.

4. Spot the gift. Even clumsy feedback can teach you something, about yourself and your manager.

5. Make it two-way. Ask for what you need too. Feedback should be mutual.

6. Get clear next steps. Feedback without direction? That’s just noise. Ask for tangible objectives.

7. Get it in writing. Summarise the feedback and agreed actions. Clarity now prevents chaos later.

There is skill in receiving feedback with grace and using it for your professional development.

Whether you’re giving or receiving feedback, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and communicate with clarity and care.

What’s the best, worst, or weirdest feedback you’ve ever received?​